Release Your Stories, Embrace Infinity

Yesterday was my eldest son's birthday...he is no longer
here...he crossed over some years ago now.  He would
have been 40 years old.  Upon arising in the morning my
mind immediately thought of him.  I was sad and yet I
was feeling bittersweet...memories of him flooding me.
I wanted to say something yesterday but the words would
not come.  I did not fight that.  Somehow, to say anything
would take me somewhere I did not want to be, so, I sat
with it and let it breathe in me, around me, and by night
fall I realized what I had been feeling was...I was honoring
the life that came through me.  To speak of it would not
have served me well.  It was a spiritual journey I was on.

Several days ago as I was clearing my 'stuff' from my home,
(to make my move to my new home an easy transition) I
found an old hospital bracelet of my son's...on it the words
8 months old was typed in and I thought, "I cannot part
with this."  So I layed it near my computer keyboard and
did not think more about it...in my awareness in the back
of my mind I knew that his birthday was coming up but I
was not focusing on that aspect.  Yesterday as I was doing
some studying on the computer though, and writing email
letters, I looked down and there it was...this was shortly
after I'd lit a candle in the early morning for my son and
another wee one that my friend Merry Me posted about on
her blog...little Lucy who was having surgery on her heart.
Anywho...I had lit my candle, offered up prayer and was
talking quietly with their spirits and embracing the day
ahead of me when I decided to sit down and find some
quotes of inspiration maybe that would help me stay in the
present moment and not get sucked into the 'mourning,
grief, sadness scenario,'  as well as to pen off a few email
things I had found whilst searching, studying.  It was then
that I looked down and right by my hand was the hospital
bracelet.  You could have blown me over with a feather.
My son was with me in the here and now and I could feel
his presence, very real around me.  I got teary but I was
happy...laughing and smiling and thanking him for coming
to let me know he was next to me.  You probably think I
was thanking him for letting me know he was near..but
that wasn't what I was thinking...I was thinking how he
chose me as a vessel to come here...to learn lessons from
me, to be the vessel of love he would first attach to, and
that blew me away.  The whole thing was just larger than
life for me in those moments.  Now mind you, I know that
consciously, being a Lightworker for many years, and so I'd
had the knowledge, and have experienced many things
through the grieving processes but nothing quite like this.
It was somehow different in that I was the 'mother aspect'
and I was his first contact.  Wow.  I'm still sitting here
going Wow.   So...I just had to share those thoughts with
you this afternoon...not sure why except it is cathartic,
healing, and I do believe yesterday was divinely led.

I've often felt guilty and shameful over my 'motherhood'
role with my oldest son.  His father abducted him from my
sister's home while she was watching him as I ran home to
pick up a few things for us so that we could spend the
night with her and it occured during my leaving and coming
back.  She was beside herself of course as my ex just
swooped in and ran...we were going through a divorce at
the time...long story short I searched and searched for him,
was getting nowhere fast, contacted police, the whole nine
yards only to be told that since our divorce was not final,
and given the fact that it had happened in adjacent states,
there wasn't much they could do for me.  I lost my son
through a screwed up system.  I've never posted anything
about this story before and I'm not sure I want to now but,
....here is the clincher...at that point I had become such an
emotional wreck over it all, when we finally did get to court,
I could not fight over this little life...so I let him have custody.
I did not want endless 'fighting scenarios' going on over and
over again, as I knew deep in my gut that is what would
happen.  I've always regretted that deeply.  Now I wish
those days could be replayed at times...that I had stood my
ground and fought a system that was patriarchal, but I do
know I would not have made a difference if I get real with
myself.  He had money to fight and I didn't.  His family had
money and mine didn't.  It was pointless.  I suffered for years
over that.  The self-perceptions of I am unworthy, etc. always
playing over and over again in my mind.  Today I know I am
worthy...that maybe I had made a mistake, but I'll never know,
will I?  I did what my spirit dictated me to do at the time and
I lived with it, no matter how hard the choice.  That is why
yesterday was so huge for me.  It still is.  Because my son
came to me yesterday and let me feel his presence...and you
can't buy that, with any amount of money in the world.
Thank You Son...I will always love you...no matter where you
are...Thank You for being a Great Teacher!

Release Your Stories...Embrace Infinity
My Brother/Friend CG Walters says this:

It is not the past that hinders your today,
but the portion of it you brought
to the present.--Strike a Chord of Silence, CG Walters

Full text at: http://kathmandau.blogspot.com/2011/06/release-your-stories-embrace-infinity....

Thank You CG for your infinite wisdom!

Have a Blessed Thursday Everyone!


A'HO!