Morning Thoughts...

Good Morning Gentle Readers...
  It has been several days since I've blogged about
anything but I did want to pop in today and let you know
I'm still kickin' it.

I've been rather quiet but that is because my Dear Mom
has been on my mind for days now.  Yesterday would have
been the marker for her passing...49 years now she's been
gone.  She died when I was eleven.  I sat thinking about
her late into the night last night.  I think the things I do
remember most about her was her clean smell, the way
she could make a feast with little or nothing in the house
to eat, and she was an awesome cook and baker.  She
was also a woman who loved a very clean home.  Maybe
more so than necessary, but that was the way she could
control her environment, in my opinion.  My father was an
alcoholic, so she had to deal with all of that, plus a very
sick young child, my youngest sister, for such a long time.
My sister had Rheumatic Fever and almost died from it.
She was put into a sanitarium in Chicago and my Mom
had to commute back and forth on the weekends to see
her.  It really took its toll on my Mom and sister.  During
this time my father was never around....he'd take off on
long binges and we'd never know where he was.  I look
back on those days and wonder how we all lived through
it but live through it we did.  It was only a year or so
later though that my Mom died.  So my remembrances of
her during the end are painful at best and filled with
sadness that she couldn't have seen her daughters grow
up and have children of their own.  I know she would
have loved her grandchildren.

 For many years I would go head-long into a spin when
time would near February 20th...I didn't want to think
about this date at all and yet was so attached to the
expectation of the day that was coming that I couldn't
move because of the grief aspect first of all, and secondly
because the expectation of what was coming was so
filled with what if's that there was no way I was going
to move through the day without breaking down.  It got
to a point where it would affect my work day and I started
taking a day off work so I could stay home and deal with
the grief that had me in its grip.  After many years of
dealing with that, I decided to stop the madness.  I mean,
it wasn't serving a purpose, my grief...in fact it was
slowly becoming toxic and I knew I had to let it go.  I
really think I thought I was dishonoring her by doing so
but I know deeply that is not true.  As a child it is so hard
not to be able to deal with grief and most especially if the
adults in your life are not attuned to watching for signs in
a young childs life that they are not dealing well, and that
is what happened to me...or even worse, I was told to buck
up and be strong for my sister's sake.  I was never properly
allowed to grieve and so for years it came out sideways.
Hell, all I knew is it was sooo painful.  Now...I just get
quiet and remember the wonderful things about her and
so that is what I have been doing.

 Last night I remembered her bedroom dresser...where all
of her perfume bottles were strategically placed and even
what kinds she had...Evening in Paris, Topaz, Unforgettable.
Avon products us girls thought were so exotic.  And I must
not forget her pretty red lipsticks, or dusting powders.
Her clothing was always nice too...clean and pressed and
she always looked and smelled fresh.  Even her purses
smelled wonderful...like Doublemint gum, her lipstick, and
and pretty hankie she'd have in it.  I can still smell that
after all these years.  49 years of growing with no Mom
is difficult but I have persevered and I know she would be
proud of me and in the end that is all that matters...our
love connection.  I will always miss her until I cross over
to the other side, but until then I'll hold her close to my
heart and know that everything is going to be alright.  I
can feel her with me here now as I write about her.

  Thanks Mommy for unknowingly teaching me how to keep
a clean house, cooking and baking, ironing, all the things
it takes to keep a house running.  Thank you for your love
for plants and flowers, for in loving them it taught me my
love for the cycles of life and this planet we live on.  Most
of all I thank you for teaching me to reach out to others
for guidance, because in your silence you spoke volumes
without ever uttering a word that you were troubled and
hurt in a million different ways.  Perhaps it was the biggest
lesson of my life.  Anyway I honor you, and the life you
lived and someday will meet with you again.

  I think I've been swimming in Pisces waters the past few
days and feeling Venus in waves...and realizing that we
are never really alone, as well as tapping into Mercury
turning retrograde on the 27th and embracing turning
around for a brief look and then trying bravely to feel the
magic in the 'between' moments. 

  May you continually feel the miracle that is you...may you
recieve glimpses of magic...and believe them when you see
them!  As Tom so aptly states in his newsletter...
"Spirit has no limit, only us. Time to believe again, live again,
love again."


In Lak'ech,
Akasa